In Theaters: John Carter **

Let me get something out of the way.  I wanted to like this movie.  When the trailers started coming out and people were expressing skepticism, I assured them that John Carter was going to be awesome.  And, when the stories about the film's enormous budget started leaking out of the studio, I kept saying "Don't worry...they said the same thing about Titanic."  No matter how weird or unfamiliar it all seemed, John Carter was a sure thing in my mind.

I can explain my previous naivete in two words:  Andrew Stanton.

This guy is one of the most successful and brilliant minds in the movie business.  He's one of the main writers and directors at Pixar, meaning that, at least at one point, he had a pact with Satan that ensured every thing he touched was creative and commercial gold.  He was a writer on the Toy Story movies and the last two movies he directed were Finding Nemo and Wall-E,  two immortal classics.  Yet, when Disney gave him the reins on a live action would-be blockbuster, he choked.



The movie opens by introducing us to Edgar Rice Burroughs, who, in real life, authored the books on which the story is based.  His uncle, John Carter, has recently passed away, leaving all of his earthly possessions to Edgar.  In a book addressed to Edgar, Carter has written his story about how he went from disaffected Civil War veteran to inter-planetary super hero.

In short, in an effort to escape both the Union cavalry and team of Apaches, Carter finds his way into a mystical cave wherein he obtains a device that transports him to Mars.  Once there, he finds that, because of the difference in Mars' gravity, he has super powers -- he can jump great distances and has increased strength and agility.  Then, he finds himself in the middle of a Mars-wide struggle that involves two warring factions of humans, a green, four-armed alien race called Tharks, and a group of silvery overlords/demi-gods.  He befriends a giant worm-dog thingy, a Thark exile and the princess of one of the human groups and, using his new super powers, John Carter saves the day hooks up with the princess lady.  Then, there's a long, confusing epilogue that would have all but ruined a good movie, let alone a mediocre one like this.

Obviously, there's more to it than that and I don't want to over-simplify things.  It's not as dumb as my snide synopsis would have you believe...not quite anyway.  But, I'll be honest, Stanton doesn't go into all that much more detail than what I've given here.  There is a whole lot of story going on here, but with very little detail, and that's this movie's biggest problem.

I have no idea how this mess came together.  But, what it seems like is that Stanton was a huge fan of the book series and didn't want to leave a single detail of the story out.  Rather than spending time on character and story development -- you know, the things that makes the audience care about what's going on -- he wanted to make sure every event in the book is depicted in the movie.  So, in the end, what your left with is an epic story of huge size and consequence in which you never really know what's motivating any of the characters or who you should be rooting for.

Okay...that's not all true.  At first, Carter wants to get back to Earth.  Later, he wants to save the princess.  Other than that, the movie is filled with characters doing and saying things for no other reason than what's written in the script.  True enough, a lot of movies are like that.  But, when the scope of the story is as big as this, it just can't work.

Part of the fault probably also lies in casting.  Taylor Kitsch, otherwise known as Tim Riggins from "Friday Night Lights," just isn't charismatic enough to rescue this movie.  I say this as a Tim Riggins fan.  I want Tim Riggins to succeed. For months, I was calling this movie "Tim Riggins of Mars."  But, throughout most of the movie, he comes off as a blank slate, just reciting lines and raising the volume of his voice when he's supposed to be angry.

I will say that the movie looks great.  While it's budget was apparently out of control, it appears that most of it is on the screen.  That's usually a good thing, provided that enough money is set aside for the script, which is not the case with John Carter.