Rock of Ages **1/2

When we went to see Rock of Ages, my wife and I sat next to two women who appeared to be in their early forties.  They were both wearing tank tops and short skirts and appeared as though they'd each polished off a bottle of aerosol hair spray in preparation for the night.

These ladies had apparently been led to believe that this movie would be dripping with butt rock nostalgia and they were prepared to relive the lame memories they've long associated with the songs off Journey's Greatest Hits album.  

As the first song -- Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" -- began to play, they were simply giddy.  They were actually singing along.

"You're motorin'! What's your price for flight?"

Can we take a minute and acknowledge that the lyrics to that song are pretty lame.  I'll admit that it's sort of a guilty pleasure of mine in that, when it shows up on an iPod shuffle, I don't skip it...and sometimes I sing along to the first verse...and the second verse.

Still, it's lame.

Anyway, this rendition of the song was not all that great and it only went through the first chorus.  We could sense the disappointment growing though the hearts and demeanor of the ladies in our row.  But, they weren't going to give up so quickly.

Next came a weird mash-up of Poison's "Nothin' But a Good Time" and David Lee Roth's "Just Like Living in Paradise."  At this point, we were two -- technically three -- songs into the movie and our audience-mates had already decided that this was not the good time they were looking for (see what I did there?).  They stopped singing along, stopped waving their arms, and just sat through the rest of the movie acting like normal people.  Though it improved our viewing experience immensely, it was also kind of sad.

Rock of Ages is based on a Broadway musical of the same name.  All the songs are revamped versions of 1980s rock anthems.  Friends who have actually seen the stage show have told me that it's like attending a rock concert -- people stand up, sing along, and they don't stop believin' (okay, that was a reach...sorry).

I guess the two ladies we sat next to were expecting the movie to deliver that kind of excitement.  But, they soon realized that this wasn't a trip down memory lane, but a Glee-inspired bastardization of their memories, and, from what we gathered, they weren't too happy about it.

All of the numbers in the movie version of Rock of Ages are dripping with glossy cheese.  All the actors are clearly lip syncing and most of them couldn't hit all the high notes with a hammer in real life.  For much of the time, it's all just a little too slick.  Like I said, the movie is basically just an episode of Glee.  

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Despite all these shortcomings, I found myself enjoying much of the movie.  Rock of Ages is really two movies -- one that's good and one that sucks.

The first movie focuses on the two leads, a young waitress who wants to be a singer (Julianne Hough, the hot chick Dancing with the Stars...yes, I know she's from Utah) and a young bartender who also wants to be a singer (Diego Boneta, whoever the hell that is).

This is the movie that sucks.  Their scenes are extremely awkward and forced -- even for a musical -- and neither of them can act to save their lives.  Worst of all, the pacing hits a dead-end every time one of them enters the shot.

But, then there's the other part of the movie, the one featuring the actors that you'd actually pay to see: Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta Jones, Alec Baldwin, and Russell Brand.  This movie, though it's constantly chopped up by scenes from the crappy movie, actually works.  Each of these actors are a joy to watch and virtually all of their songs are well rendered.  They all refuse to take themselves too seriously and it's pretty obvious they had a good time making the movie.

Tom Cruise's performance really stands out.  He's fantastic as Stacee Jaxx, an aging, burned out rock star with a career on the downswing.  I may be misreading it, but the character seemed to be an obvious parody of Axl Rose, though it's never an imitation.  Cruise jumps into the role with both feet and fully inhabits this ridiculous character.  And, though it's pretty clear that he can't sing in real life, all of his songs -- especially Jaxx's rendition of "Wanted Dead or Alive" -- are fantastic.  Honestly, if this were a better overall movie, I think we'd be talking about an Oscar nomination for Mr. Cruise.

Aside from the horrible leads, the most distracting part of the movie is the often odd choice of songs.  Obviously, you can't do an 80s nostalgia musical without including some Poison and Def Leppard.  But, can anyone on the planet name three songs by Foreigner off the top of their heads?  Nope.  Yet, that's how many Foreigner tracks made it into Rock of Ages.  There are also two songs by Journey in the movie, which is tantamount to torture in some countries.  I find it hard to believe that anyone with a brain would rather trot out obscure Foreigner tracks instead of finding some way, any way to get another Bon Jovi song in there.

Anyway, all in all, this is an OK movie.  Truth be told, I probably enjoyed it more than it deserved.  I certainly wasn't as disappointed as the two ladies we sat next to...but that's probably because I'm more comfortable in a miniskirt.